Being a mum is wonderful.
Yes it teaches you about a love like no other and yes it is one of
life’s greatest privileges - but let’s be honest, it’s also bloody hard work. It’s
all consuming, requires an element of omnipresence and the pay and holiday
entitlements leave a lot to be desired!
All is changed, changed utterly - to somewhat paraphrase
(and completely take out of context) a wise fella. While life might never quite
be the same again, it doesn’t mean there isn’t a lot to be gained from our new
found role. With that in mind, here is my own personal A-Z of motherhood.
A is for
arguments. A daily occurrence about homework, putting underwear in the
wash-basket, pokemon, who breathed on who, whose turn it is to pick something
up off the floor and who left the top off the milk. The choice and subjects are
endless and plentiful and require superbly honed and finely tuned negotiation
skills. In the interest of maintaining some shred of your sanity, pick your
battles - cos you can’t pick theirs!
B is for Basket,
namely the wash one, virtually unrecognisable to underwear-wearing youngsters.
C is for cuts, from
paper to impressive - all inducing the same levels of hysteria and convictions
that the limb is unsavable
D is for
dinnertime. That time of day when in theory we sit down together and have a chat
but in reality mop up three glasses of milk, clean up a bowl of dinner that has
just hit the floor and get called to deal with a bum that needs wiping.
E is for efficiency.
It’s quite amazing how much you can achieve in a limited amount of time. From making
your house semi-presentable in ten minutes flat because a visitor is on the way
to scoffing as many cookies as possible because the kids’ antennae have gone up.
Us mothers are masters of the apparently unachievable!
F is for
forgetfulness, a new found state of mind. Why I did I go upstairs? Why am I
sitting in a parked car outside my son’s Montessori on a Saturday? What are my
kids’ names? Rather than feel defeated I prefer to view the latter as a
descriptive vocabulary-enhancing exercise. “You with the curly hair, green
eyes, girl child” etc has to suffice largely these days!
G is for goals,
personal by nature and changing by the day.
Monday’s goal is usually to have a good week with calm vibes and
positive interactions. Friday’s goal is to get through the day without yet another
banshee impression and counting down the hours to wine o’clock.
H if for hungry,
which my kids always are, unless something suspiciously healthy looking is
offered.
I is for infinite
– the amount of patience required for the job!
J is for just
about. My kids answer for everything
from “Are you dressed yet” to “is your homework done?” Experience has taught me
that “just about “really means, “I’m actually off doing something else other
than that”!
K is for our king
sized bed which feels remarkably small by the time the approximately 25
children have joined us throughout the night.
L is for love,
which I never really knew the true meaning of before these little terrors came
into my life.
M is for
mouthguards, which seem to disappear into thin air in this house and whose
disappearance I’m only ever made aware of, right before a match or training.
N is for No which
my children seem to interpret as “lets ask her another 50 times and she might
change her mind, or failing that, lets ask dad”
O is for obstacles,
a mere challenge to be overcome for a walking wobbler, who audibly laughs at
your attempts to keep him from danger and seem to prove much more fun than his
mountain of toys.
P is for poo in its
many colours, forms and textures. Just part of daily life and conversations
now!
Q is for quiet
which should always arouse extreme suspicion.
R is for robust which
thankfully kids are. Bumps, bruises and relatively minor trauma is quickly and
completely forgotten by them as toys, games and cartoons take over. We on the
other hand beat ourselves up for the hours, days and weeks that follow!
S is for
sleep. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
‘Nuff said
T is for the
toilet, the most likely place to find missing house-keys, mobile phones,
toothbrushes, teddies and breakfast waffles.
U is for unexplained
and suspicious looking marks everywhere. Is it snot? Crayon? Food? and please
God let that be chocolate…….
V is for
vegetables, depending on the kid, considered equal to offering them poison.
W is for wipes, a
mum’s best friend that can clean anything and is the 21st century’s
answer to spitting on a tissue.
X is for x- ray. The
more kids you have, the more time you’ll spend in this department. Have your lead apron ready!
Y is for
yesterday, when it feels like they were born. Time goes so fast and when school
is added to the equation and you’re living by the school timetable, it seems to
go even faster – unfortunately.
Z is for zucchini
which is either a fruit or a vegetable and which I’ve never eaten but my six
year old told me about it.
